For many men, profound questions can arise, such as “What is my worth now?” and “Who am I without my career?” These questions can leave a man feeling lost, and as they are often unspoken or not discussed, they can significantly affect a man’s mental well-being.

Navigating the transition of retirement

Like all transitional points in a man’s life, retirement carries potential risks.

Social isolation and loneliness

We have previously written that most men’s friendships are based around their work, so when they leave their employment, they do not continue into the rest of their lives.

Many men in long-term relationships have friendships with other couples, often driven by the female partner, especially among baby-boomer couples. Work frequently constitutes the only setting where a man maintains a circle of friends. He may face profound loneliness and social isolation upon retirement when he loses this network. This sense of isolation can be intensified if a relationship deteriorates before retirement. Not only does a man lose his work friends, but he may also forfeit the friends he had as part of a couple. If the feelings of loneliness and isolation are not proactively addressed, they can result in depression.

Relationship challenges

Retirement can intensify underlying relationship issues that have been neglected or inadequately addressed. Relationships that thrived when work determined how much time couples could spend together suddenly come under strain when they must spend more time in each other’s company. Minor irritations that could be overlooked because one would be leaving for work can accumulate throughout the day when work is eliminated.

As they adjust to retirement and seek meaning in their lives, many men may go through a phase where they depend more on their spouses or partners for support. This is a responsibility that their partners may not wish to bear, especially if they feel they have already shouldered most of the burden of raising children. The partner may want to relish their newfound freedom without the added responsibility of caring for the man as he navigates this new chapter in life.

Relationship challenges can complicate the transition to retirement.

Health challenges

Health issues can complicate retirement even further. For many men, their identity is closely tied to their physicality and the strength of their bodies to participate in desired activities. When a man loses his sense of purpose due to no longer working and then has to cope with health problems, it can exacerbate feelings of low self-worth, poor self-image, and any underlying mental health challenges such as anxiety and/or depression.

The Roman god Janus and retirement

What does a Roman god have to do with retirement? Janus was the Roman god of gates, doorways, January, and transitions. He looked both ways—backwards and forwards.

When we consider retirement, it’s easy to get caught up in reflecting on what we are leaving and losing while forgetting that with any transition, we also need to look forward. Janus serves as a reminder of what we must do to navigate the transition to retirement successfully: we must look back and ahead.

How do we look ahead with a sense of optimism and anticipation?

Learning to ask different questions

The question began when we were boys: “What do you want to do when you grow up?” Our childhood replies often evoked a chuckle and a kind comment. Initially, no one placed too much importance on our responses. However, the question gained a greater urgency in high school. We had to decide what we wanted to do because it affected the subjects we chose and our pathway into higher education. Somehow, at sixteen or seventeen, we were expected to have figured out what we wanted to do with our lives, even though we often struggled to determine what we wanted to do in a single day.

Gradually, we realised the importance of doing. Through doing, we provided for our families and achieved a decent standard of living. Many men have been ‘doing’ for over half a century, faithfully committing to provide for themselves and their loved ones. It’s no wonder that the first question that arises with retirement is, “What am I going to do?”

In retirement, we can finally ask ourselves a question we may have never allowed ourselves to consider before.

Who do I want to be?

Retirement is the stage in life when you no longer have to do but are free to imagine and to live in response to another question — “Who do I want to be?”

Being willing to consider and to do the work in exploring your answer to this question is to shape a life of meaning. It is to refuse to allow life to drain away by constantly looking back at the past and to have the courage to grab our life in the present and create something meaningful, not because of what we do but because of who we are.

How do we do this?

There are several things we can do that will assist us in creating meaning based on who we are.

1. Rediscover your core values
   So often in our working lives, we lose sight of our core values. This isn’t intentional; the pressures of life, the need to balance work and family commitments, and the effort to be a good father and partner often cause our core values to fade into the background.
   
   What are the fundamental principles you held as a younger man? The beliefs that ignited a fire within you—principles you passionately stood up for. As older men, we frequently look back and shake our heads at our naivety. Yet, as we grow older, we must reignite the fire we once had.
   
   Remembering our core values is vital for our well-being. They provide us with stability in the face of uncertainty, which we need as we approach retirement. Having core values also helps build strong relationships, as we respect and trust not only ourselves but also those with whom we connect and build friendships.
   
   What are your core values?
   
   
2. What’s your legacy?
   Your legacy isn’t merely defined by your achievements or the roles you’ve assumed. It’s about the impact you’ve made on the lives of those around you and the qualities you exhibit in your interactions with others.
   
   Do you wish to be known as someone who generously shares his time and is willing to listen to another person? In an increasingly polarised world, do you want your legacy to be the kindness that forges connections between individuals and enhances their sense of community and commonality?
   
   During our working years, we often didn’t have the chance to reflect on our legacy; we were too focused on meeting deadlines. Now, in retirement, we have the privilege of consciously considering the personality traits we want to cultivate that will help us leave a legacy we can truly take pride in.
   
   What does your legacy look like?
   
   

Retirement is a transition. It can be challenging when we cling to old ways of thinking and start worrying about what we will do. When we change our question from “What will I do?” to “Who do I want to be?” we open up new perspectives and opportunities.

The Men’s Table represents a new opportunity many men embrace as they prepare for retirement. At the Table, new friendships are forged, and men begin to share the issues they face as the transition to retirement approaches. They embark on the journey from “this is what I do” to “this is who I am”, discovering a new sense of purpose.

For further information about joining a Men’s Table, click here.

~ David Kernohan