However, it is important to note that loneliness can impact men at any age because it is often related to the quality of relationships a man has. When a man feels their relationship is not meaningful or that others do not understand him, he is likelier to experience loneliness.

The Changing Face of Male Friendships

The face of male friendship has shifted in the past sixty years since Jack and Richard first formed their friendship. The increasing industrialisation of the workforce gradually changed how we viewed our fellow man. From collaborating and building potential friendships, men became competitors, each trying to get ahead and provide for their families.

How Industrialisation Impacted Male Friendship

With increased industrialisation came increased mobility. This mobility was reflectedin two areas. Firstly, men often had to travel further to get to their workplace. The increased travel time meant reduced time to build friendships with other men in their neighbourhood. The second aspect of mobility is that men changed jobs more frequently. The employee who stayed in one job his entire life was a relic of the past. However, changing jobs meant that friendships became job-specific. Once a man moved to another job, the friendships he had made in the previous job faded.

The other change with industrialisation was men’s increased leisure time on weekends. Men began to play more sports, and consequently, their friendships were built around the sports they played. Though friendly, the sense of competition and rivalry infiltrated these friendships as men competed with each other on the sporting field.

The Narrowing Definition of Intimacy

The ability of men to develop deep, rich, long-lasting friendships, as modelled by Jack and Richard, was also impacted by a narrowing in our understanding of intimacy. Intimacy became reduced and focused on sexual intimacy. This raised anxiety and fear for many men around issues of homosexuality and/or being perceived as weak.

Yet, any firm, long-lasting friendship requires intimacy, and intimacy is much broader than sexual intimacy. For example, there are:

• Emotional intimacy – sharing our thoughts, feelings and experiences with someone we know will understand and accept us.
• Intellectual intimacy – having stimulating conversations, sharing ideas and having mutual respect for each other’s thoughts and opinions.
• Experiential intimacy – where we bond through shared experiences and activities and create memories together.

When we limit our understanding of intimacy to sexuality, our friendships are often superficial because we keep our friends at arm’s length to avoid any misunderstanding of our sexual orientation. The result is we deprive ourselves of rich friendships infused with emotional, intellectual and experiential intimacy.

The consequences of these changes

As a consequence of these changes, male friendships gradually became:

• Location and activity specific – in terms of being job and sports or activity-related.
• Temporary – while a man was in a job or involved in a sport or activity.
• Competitive
• Superficial as the intimacy required for healthy friendships was not available.

It is no wonder we are now experiencing such levels of male loneliness.

The Importance of Male Friendships

Male friendships are essential for a man’s sense of connection and mental well-being because they provide different benefits from those found in his friendships with women.

For example, there are different communication styles and dynamics between male and female friendships. Male friendships are frequently characterised by less direct emotional expression and more activity-based. This allows a man to connect with other men without feeling they have to verbalise emotions. Often, men struggle to verbalise what they are feeling. This can be for several reasons, such as:

• Feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.
• Not knowing how to express or describe what they are feeling or
• Feeling unsafe to express their emotions.

One of the benefits of The Men’s Table for a man who struggles to express his emotions is that at the Table, he sees other men modelling and talking about their emotions in a safe environment. As he observes this modelling, he develops his confidence and language skills to describe his feelings.

Another reason male friendships are important is the mutual understanding of societal expectations and challenges related to masculinity. This shared perspective provides support and validation in a way that doesn’t happen with female friendships.

Given the importance of male friendships, how do we build strong, healthy friendships?

Building Male Friendships

It is rare for friendships to “just happen”; usually, the person needs to be willing to be open and committed to making the friendship a priority.

The Willingness to be Open

The willingness to be open to the possibility of friendship is essential. Often, we say we want a friend, but we have such fixed ideas about the type of person we want for a friend and how we want the friendship to be that we close the door to possibilities and then wonder why we don’t have friends.

We want friends to be like us, friends who are the same as us. While any strong friendship must have areas of shared or common interests, the example of Jack and Richard’s friendship demonstrates the power of difference. Richard is cheeky, and Jack is diplomatic, yet despite their differences in personalities, they have forged a friendship that has lasted. The difference adds strength and ‘spice’ to the friendship.

At the Men’s Table, men from different backgrounds and personalities meet, share a meal, and build trust by sharing honestly what is going on in their lives. By sharing both a meal and aspects of their lives, they demonstrate a willingness to be open to the possibility of friendship.

The result?

Men’s lives are enriched with friendship, often from other men with whom they thought they would never be friends.

The Priority of Friendship

Developing strong friendships requires a commitment to make that friend a priority.

Many of us are guilty of allowing friendships to slide. This is not necessarily from any malicious intent; it is often the pressure of work and family commitments. We keep promising to catch up with our friends, but by the time Friday evening comes around, we are exhausted from long hours at work and navigating family responsibilities. Weekends get booked up with our children’s sporting or social events. Gradually, we lose contact with our friends, and our social circle narrows to family and a few shared friends who are mostly our partners or wife’s friends.

The structure of the Men’s Table encourages men to prioritise their commitment to it. Once a month, the man is encouraged to take his place at the Table and, in this act, remind himself that having strong friendships requires prioritising them. This is not easy, particularly when we feel life is going well and we are optimistic. However, if we don’t prioritise friendship and allow them to slide when the going gets tough and challenging, we find we are alone, without the strong friendships that support and encourage us through these times.

The Courage to be Vulnerable.

To build and have strong male friendships, we need:

• To be open to making friends with other men we never thought we would be friends with.
• To prioritise these friendships and make a commitment to the other man and to the friendship to turn up and be there for them.

A third quality we need is the courage to be vulnerable.

As men, we struggle with vulnerability. Our struggle is often around fear. We are afraid that being vulnerable will make us weak. We may pride ourselves on being more emotionally aware and willing to be open. However, when life throws us a curve ball, and we are brought to our knees, literally or metaphorically, the ghosts of our ancestors still whisper in our ears that we are weak and need to “man up”.

It takes strength not to listen to those whispering ghosts, and it takes courage to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our male friends. In this act of courage, our friendships deepen.

Too many of us only have superficial friendships that stay on the surface and are based around “being good mates, having fun, and not getting too heavy.” While there is a place for such friendships, when that is the extent of our friendships, we can end up feeling isolated and alone, searching for a deeper connection.

That is why we need the courage to be vulnerable. In being vulnerable, we demonstrate courage, trust, and a willingness to allow our friends to know us in a deeper way.

One aspect of The Men’s Table is that it provides a place where men can build strong friendships with other men. It provides a framework where men can open themselves to the possibility of developing friends with different men whom they may never have met if it weren’t for them being together at a Table.

The commitment of sharing a meal once a month allows men to prioritise their commitment to friendship. In sharing, men learn to have the courage to be vulnerable with other men in a safe environment.

Find out more about being involved in a Men’s Table.

~ David Kernohan