The general perception within society is that men, as a group, are an uncaring bunch.
This stereotype is based on cultural, historical and social factors that have evolved over time. Some of these factors have been the traditional gender roles of provider and protector that have been assigned to men and the cultural association of caregiving with women and emotional detachment with men.
Freud, often considered the Father of Psychology, believed men were driven by ego and rationality, while women were seen as more emotional and nurturing. These ideas further perpetuated the stereotype of men as emotionally detached.
The media and popular culture have also, until recently, depicted men as stoic, distant, and unable to make emotional connections. Recent portrayals of men have tried to be more balanced, but the historical emphasis on stoic, distant masculinity remains influential.
Patriarchy and power dynamics within politics, business and society not only negatively impact women, but they also impact men who are not within the patriarchal structures and hold no power. Vulnerability and empathy, which are healthy human traits, are recast as evidence of weakness within men, leading to men suppressing any emotional expression for fear of being perceived as weak and not manly.
While the Gen Zs, Millennials, and now Gen Alphas are increasingly rejecting the stereotypes and placing greater emphasis on men’s mental health, emotional well-being and caregiving roles, given the strength of the stereotypes, there is still much work to be done to change the perception that we are an uncaring bunch.
If we say that men don’t care, we first must understand what it means to care. Only then can we assess whether men care or not.
In the modern context, “care” refers to a feeling of concern or affection directed toward someone or something. It also means providing for or looking after someone and keeping them safe.
Hence, a simple definition is that:
When I care about someone or something, I feel concern or affection, which results in my providing for or looking after the person or thing to keep it safe.
There are four aspects to this definition.
Given these four aspects, many, if not most, men care. The issue is, perhaps, not so much that men don’t care, but how we show our care is seen against the backdrop of stereotypes and perceptions of men who don’t care.
Men express their care in ways that are influenced by a mix of their personality, upbringing, societal norms, and the cultural contexts in which they have been raised. While individuals differ, there are common patterns in how men show they care.
It is important to consider these common patterns. However, we must remember that how each man expresses the pattern depends on his individuality.
Men will often express care by doing practical tasks or solving problems for other people. This can be fixing something around the house or giving up a weekend to help a mate move or paint his house. These acts of service are often done quietly, with no fuss, but because of a deep commitment to the other person, be they a family member or friend.
If we understand care only as the ability to show or express emotional warmth or connection, then we can miss the caring aspect men show in their acts of service.
It is easy to discount providing and protecting as stereotypical male behaviours arising from traditional gender roles. However, many men feel responsible for providing for or protecting those they love.
Often, men will stay in jobs or roles they do not enjoy or roles that don’t provide them with any job satisfaction, but they persevere with the job because it provides for their family.
Men may also stay in roles that bring some satisfaction but have a high cost attached to them. FIFO work is one example. While the work may bring a sense of satisfaction, there is often a high cost associated with such work in terms of its impact on men’s mental health; it also has an impact on relationships. However, men will endure these costs because it is a way of providing for those they care about.
R.W Connell, in his book Masculinities (2005, 2nd ed), writes that sociological research shows men in many societies are socialised to associate care with provision and responsibility. While there are many aspects of how men are socialised we may want to change, providing and being responsible for those we love as a demonstration of our care is undoubtedly a positive quality to be strengthened.
Another way men show they care is by spending time engaging in shared activities like playing sports, watching movies, fishing, or camping.
Men often bond through shared experiences rather than by verbal interactions. This is known as side-by-side interaction. This is why it is sometimes easier to get a man to communicate when doing something alongside another man rather than engaging in face-to-face conversation.
This is one area where a man’s individuality will determine how comfortable he is demonstrating physical affection, such as a pat on the back or a hug. Many men who are Baby Boomers may be reluctant to hug another man, particularly if they are not close friends. Generally, many Gen Z and Millennial males are more comfortable being demonstrative with physical affection, particularly to other men.
The impact of culture also plays a big part in the extent to which and to whom a man will demonstrate physical affection. In some cultures, men are given much more freedom to express affection and care. For example, in Middle Eastern cultures, it is common for men to greet each other with kisses on the cheek or hugs, and holding hands while walking is also a sign of close friendship and brotherhood. In India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh, male friends frequently hold hands or put their arms around each other while walking as a sign of friendship and deep bonds. In Australian culture, men are generally more reserved in expressing physical affection towards male friends. However, sport has been one way this reserve has begun to be broken down as men celebrate sporting success with an embrace and hugs.
Despite the impact of culture and a man’s comfort with sharing a hug or demonstrating some other form of physical affection, men demonstrate their care through physical affection towards another person.
Men will demonstrate their care through their sacrifices, especially for their families. Many men prioritise their family’s needs over their desires. They will make sacrifices for the welfare of their families. These sacrifices may be small and easily overlooked. For example, the father who takes his child to training after a long, hard day’s work sacrifices his desire to relax and unwind to support his child playing sports.
We may criticise some of the ways men demonstrate their care as a product of men’s socialisation; however, we cannot say that men don’t care.
The four elements defining care are present in each of the above areas. There is a feeling of concern or affection that leads to a practical outworking to assist another person in some way. The action demonstrates kindness and warmth towards the other person, and there is a sense of duty or accountability.
Hence, men care.
We may want men to care differently than they do. We may wish men to express their care verbally rather than by what they do. We may wish men to demonstrate more emotional intimacy in how they care rather than through sacrifice and commitment. It is easier to teach men new caring skills when we acknowledge and validate that men are caring rather than coming from the judgment that men don’t care.
The next blog considers how we can learn different caring skills and how we can become comfortable with verbal expressions of care.
~ David Kernohan
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