Without a clear blueprint from their own upbringing though, they worry about making the same mistakes their fathers did: being too distant, too harsh, or not emotionally available.

“My Dad wasn’t abusive,” shares Paul, “but he was not present. He was the sole breadwinner and worked long hours, so when he was home he didn’t seem to have much interest in spending time with us kids or providing guidance.”

The modern face of fatherhood demands engaged, emotionally available parents and for men who grew up in environments with traditional, stoic role models where vulnerability was discouraged or ignored, showing emotion can feel uncomfortable. Yet it’s often these men who recognise the importance of emotional openness and want their children, especially their sons, to grow up comfortable with sharing their feelings. “I want my son to be able to cry, laugh, and experience every possible rainbow of emotions, but unless he sees from me and other men that it’s OK to do that, he won’t.”

The Fathering Project, an organisation dedicated to supporting fathers through evidence-based resources and programs, shares that the absence of a caring, present father can leave a void where boys turn to harmful stereotypes of masculinity, especially ones that connect strength with control.

And psychologists agree that family dynamics are critical: “When fathers are emotionally available, sons are more likely to develop a range of emotional self-regulation skills, empathy and coping skills because they have the language and tools modelled to them from a young age. These are core skills for healthy relationships. In contrast, emotionally distant fathers may teach their sons to avoid vulnerability, which can undermine emotional connection and lead to reactive behaviours.” *

So what can men who haven’t been exposed to vulnerability and sharing emotion do to become the connected father they want to be? Here’s a couple of ideas:

Breathe
To prevent escalating a situation or our own feelings, especially with kids, things like taking deep breaths when strong feelings arise; becoming aware of your own physical cues, such as clenched jaw, tight chest etc, to help catch emotion early; or taking a pause before reacting can give yourself time to regain composure.

Awareness
Rewiring learned patterns and building new habits isn’t easy, and awareness is key. Learning to name feelings or check in with yourself to recognise what emotion you’re feeling (and perhaps why) can be helpful to understand what’s going on.

Start Small
Expressing emotion doesn’t have to begin with a deep share. Simple, honest comments with your kids like ‘that means a lot to me” or “I’m feeling flat, not sure why” or “I’m really proud of you” can be enough to start.

Examine Assumptions
Men who grew up with the idea that “real men don’t cry” or “get on with it” often carry internal conflict when they feel vulnerable. Addressing this isn’t about blame, it’s about understanding where the discomfort comes from and consciously choosing a different path.

Get Peer Support
Seeing and hearing other men open up without shame or judgment can be a turning point. At Men’s Tables, men often report that hearing the stories of other men helps them to feel less alone and realise that their thoughts and feelings about things are often shared. Having a place to be open and honest creates psychological safety and models healthy behaviour for you and your kids.

And lastly, if you’re a stats man, read these ones to see how emotionally connecting with your kids can help them:

• Children whose fathers had strong psychological and emotional engagement during their early years had 13–14% lower odds of behavioural issues by age 9 **
• Fathers’ involvement in childcare is linked to improvements in children’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and academic performance. Importantly, the quality of interactions (e.g., educational play) matters more than the amount of time spent ***
• Children who feel close to their father are:
  • Twice as likely to go to university or find stable employment after high school,
  • 75% less likely to experience teen parenthood,
  • 80% less likely to spend time in jail,
  • 50% less likely to exhibit multiple symptoms of depression ****

“You can’t give to your kids what you never received, unless you go and find it for yourself.” ~ Steve Bidulph (The New Manhood)